I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
