Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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