If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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