I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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