my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
