She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
We need to rekindle our bromance
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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