I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
