Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
