its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
