He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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