i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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