found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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