is your mom at the bar?
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
