My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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