3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
