Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
