it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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