someone threw a dead crab at me
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
handjob tips. give me some.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
