you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I think im going to throw up on grandma
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
