I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
