yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
