this will be a night to untag.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
you never un-have a 4some
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
