just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
