Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he fucked my hip out of place.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
