God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
