At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
