I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
