So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
