I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
