but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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