I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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