Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
