Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
