My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
