I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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