Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
