you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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