Jerry, you need to find god
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
