There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
