the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
even my farts smell like vagina
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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