U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
