i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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