Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
