I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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