I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
