This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
