i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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