I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
