It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
