i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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