my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
