I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
