We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
