There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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