my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
